Also, the longer it's been, the more evidence that they aren't in any rush to rekindle things. If your spouse was once your best friend but now treats you like a stranger, it isn't your fault or responsibility. They dated for two and a half years, broke up 5 years ago, have many mutual friends. Everyone should do exactly what I do! Does everything seem to remind your partner of their ex? Do you still feel like you need the emotional support? Imagine wanting to go on a holiday with your friends and being told by your partner that you cant go because your ex is there. Weve both been loving, attentive, kind and considerate. But they dont! 11 signs your boyfriend is still emotionally attached to his ex-wife 1. And thats why its a good idea to talk to an experienced relationship coach. I consulted them myself when I was having a hard time keeping my relationship together. According to experts, there are some instances when it is OK for your spouse to be friends with their ex, and others when it is not. Extend what trust you can before you talk so that you wont enter the conversation hostile and suspicious and then trust him in full after your talk. If hes loyal to you, being distrustful would only hurt your relationship. The Pyramid and by extension, Love U takes you from the basics of building confidence and meeting men to learning the intimate strategies behind understanding, dating and attracting high-quality guys so you can finally have the fun, committed relationship you so richly deserve. You need to be looking forward, not backward.. It says nothing about your boyfriend. If anything, it means that he has a big heart and doesnt have any malicious intentions when hes talking with his ex. Is it normal? WebSo my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Lying indicates there is something to hide even if there isn't, Wang says. He said "I don't want to feel like I'm in a relationship where I'm tied down. My blog is like Google for your love life.Just type your one-line question into the search box below to see my answer. He says that he wants to be with me and that they are just friends, but I really don't know what to do.I want to be with him, but I just don't trust him with her. Not to mention that my wife has her first wedding album in a drawer in our home. To double check whats going on, ask your partner to explain their history, Wang says, as well as what they hope to gain from staying in contact with their ex. And theres nothing weird about this at all. I do, however, think you have a lot more to gain than lose by trying to accept this friendship. What do you think? They may be the worst, but just possibly, they may be amazing and a new best friend for you, too. The best-case scenario is that they mutually decided to go their separate ways because that's often a sign that they were already headed toward platonics-ville. OK, fine, but I truly hate that they hang out so much. "An ideal situation would be to get to know their shared friends and get to know their ex as well, relationship expert and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport tells Bustle. I apologized and we made up, but to this day I still don't think it's okay he did that. I also want to nod to the fact that there are many, many people who would be much more militant about the scenario, who would absolutely shut that sh*t down and demand that he end the friendship. I was a little jealous, but I just let it go. So you will want to try to find the time to share your feelings with him. Ahhh, the friends with an ex conversation. Oftentimes, relationships end because you are incompatible, not because you don't like them. As you can probably tell by now, there are many possible reasons why your boyfriend is talking to his ex, and most of them dont really mean anything. Instead of calling their ex, your partner should be addressing negative feelings with you. I think you absolutely should feel the way you do about their relationship. Do you also feel bothered when he talks to other female friends of his, or just his ex? male The main problem is that he is best-friends with his ex-girlfriend. That can be tricky, but it's definitely not time to hit the panic button. I wanted to keep that special place in his life, that number one spot. All Rights Reserved. Again, you two will have to talk this out, and keep talking it out as time goes on. And do you feel like you're welcome, or do you suddenly feel like a third wheel? 2) Youll make him feel trapped because hes dating someone who reads his text messages. It is hard to fully let go sometimes, especially if the relationship began with a friendship. My boyfriend asked me to wait outside because he didn't want to make his friends feel weird that we were showering together. There are those who stay away because it hurts being near their exes, there are those who stay away because their exes were abusive and there are those who see their exes as friends. Here is the best way to find your am i over my ex boyfriend information. i figured i'd comment because i've been on the otherside of this. If you don't, then there's no need to encourage them by saying so. Also, I pointed out his tendency to keep his relations with her private. It bothered me relentlessly until I finally exhausted myself like a dog chasing its tail and let it go. The modern woman is a walking contradiction. For better or worse, your partner's friends Between the blow to your self-confidence, the often-conflicting advice being thrown at you, and the possibility of your friends figuring it out and gossiping about you this is going to make any attempts you make at fixing your relationship harder. But unless you have hard evidence, give him the benefit of the doubt. When I first met her, he came up to her and hugged and spun her and he seemed incredibly happy to see her. Respectful advice is appreciated. And that can jeopardize trust. October 15, 2022, 9:13 am. Of course its early days. But what about MEN? 4 Reasons Why Mentally Strong People Attract Toxic People. All of this information makes me feel very uncomfortable! But somethings been bothering you latelyhes talking to his ex! January 4, 2023, 9:03 am, by If I couldnt be his girlfriend, maybe I could be his best friend. Me (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 1 year and 4 months. Please answer my question, Id love to know what you think. You can understand that they were married. Think about what you feel about his interactions with his ex, and how far youre willing to go. We talked about it and he was pissed off at me and said he was just excited about the band and he could have "slapped a wall." ! And to that I say, why does any friendship form? Why Your Ex Wants To Be FriendsYour Ex Regrets The Decision To Break-Up. We all say things in the heat of the moment. You Are A Stopgap Until He Finds The Real thing. Some people cant bear being on their own. Your Ex Wants Sex With No Strings. They Want The Best Of Both Worlds. They Miss Being Friends With You. They Are Not Bothered Either Way. They Are Scared Of Change. If the answer is the latter, then things aren't looking so great. Many men are dominant until their women break them down over long periods of time. The best way to move on from a relationship is to unfollow your ex on social media, block their phone number and keep looking forward. We stopped dating, for reasons that were unrelated to their friendship. My boyfriend was also sick (with food poisoning) but he avoided me physically. Good men and women stay in touch with their exes because their exes are kind people with whom they share a lot of history. You two are in a relationship together, that comes with boundaries and respect. It might make you worry when you see your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is one of his friends or followers on social media. Now lets say your partner still works with their ex. All rights reserved. Was it a case of two people growing apart? female reader, capricorn7+, writes (13 September 2012): A I had a similar situation with my boyfriend early on where I couldnt understand this very intimate friendship he had with another woman. And that isnt healthy for anyone. And because they dont have any issues with people talking to their exes, they dont realize that its having an effect on youand wont, until you tell them about it. When the three of you are in the same room, what is the vibe like? It might make you feel a little jealous and protective, but so long as he isnt actually trying to cheat on you with her, theres no reason for you to be afraid. Evan Marc Katz Dating Coach for Smart Successful Women. Dont be threatened. If your partner shares mutual friends with their ex, they may make the decision to remain on good terms especially if they run into each other on a fairly regular basis. As a result of her own experiences, she has developed tools to help others navigate the difficulties of modern dating and marriage. If you constantly think about your Is it a red flag if someone is friends with their ex? He makes it hard for you to forget about her as he always compares the two of you. (Whether their unwillingness to lock it down has to do with the ex or not is really irrelevantthough. "In fact, considering that many breakups are filled with drama and discord, remaining on friendly terms can be a sign of maturity in your partner. After all, they were once part of the couple's life together. You have to remember that your boyfriend is specifically not with this person romantically anymore. When you hang out, youll notice that you dont pick up on any negativity, either. This may be one reason why hes talking to his exto tell her about these troubles and ask her how he should handle it. A Ask him why hes talking with his ex so much and he might just say oh, shes been having some problems lately.. You want to run the show on every topic, and the mass media supports this notion. If you're wondering, "Should your boyfriend be friends with his ex?" reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): A Early on, however, we all have a tendency to over-rely on our partners for, well, everything fun, emotional support, relaxation, you name it. You said well, if he was single he would. He has yet to disclose this to me personally. If hes a decent guy, Im sure he put in effort to make sure they both remain civil towards one another for the sake of their mutual friends (and you, of course!). Here are my concrete suggestions for how to navigate this moving forward. When word makes it back to your boo that their ex is with someone new, how do they react? 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. When should you say you're a boyfriend or girlfriend? Communication is key for a good, functional relationship after all. Sorry you got the other side of the equation, but the modern woman is a mans worst nightmare. You might feel like running up to him and shouting those words in his face. It sucks to be one of the friends who finally gets a call seven months into your buddys relationship seeing if youre free, but it can also hurt for the people in the relationship to be jostled around, repositioned in a more healthy and sustainable place: still the bullseye, but not the whole damn dartboard. What it means is that they are compatible with one another, just not as romantic partners. He is still friends with his ex who he considers one of this best friends. He must participate and listen and be open, too. Such is life! Webthis sounds like me and my ex, we are the best of friends now an dhave been for about a year since we split up, but i would never cheat on my girlfriend with her no matter how Once that happens, they are no longer a couple who are also friends, but instead friends who are not together as a couple," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. Because even though they no longer have an intimate connection, they might still call her or him out on stuff. I have photos, love letters, and emails from women in my past. Yes, I made the mistake of looking at it! , Youre smitten. Ever. Maybe hang out more the 3 of you. reader, dscjocdoc+, writes (6 June 2010): A which I thought was strange because we were literally on a double date. And you shouldn't have to live with that kind of stress. hes a genuinely good and trustworthy person, they dont have any issues with people talking to their exes, Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers), What is respect in a relationship? Should I be worried if my boyfriend is friends with his ex? What you forget when youre jealous of the ex is that theres a REASON they broke up. Be ready, be patient, and make sure youre talking to help him understand. In other words, your ex boyfriend may have sent his friend on a mission to recover something of his that you have possession of. So maybe thats just what hes doing with his ex. Once you establish clear boundaries, an ex can remain a part of your life without detracting from your relationship. Now, four years later, Im close with her myself and very grateful that he can talk to her about things including his relationship with me! I should also add that she and my boyfriend make a lot of funny faces to each other and there's a certain intimacy that I feel very uncomfortable with. reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): A Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers). reader, kolibri+, writes (16 May 2008): A Whichever way you frame the situation in your head is how you're going to see it. 22F here, my boyfriend is 23. And thats totally understandable. If this has been going on for a while and youre still uneasy whenever your BF talks to his ex, then you have to do something about it. As long as you continue to focus on every day as a way to grow as a person and better partner then everything should happen as it should. I dont know if theyre related. Before you accuse him of cheating, try to understand that there are many reasons why your bf might have done this. 7 Times It's OK For Your Partner To Be Friends With Their Ex 1. The Pyramid of Love illustrates a six-step process I teach as your dating coach in Love U. It has been edited for length and clarity. If your partner works with their ex, there is no way they will be able to avoid seeing or talking to each other," Rappaport says. Sometimes one or both parties will even say that they still love their ex. A: You asked one of the most excellent questions Is this my issue or his? The answer is: its your issue, plural. Youll just have to accept that its part of who he is, and trust that he isnt having an affair behind your back. Sometimes theyll grab a drink or dinner afterward again, sometimes with mutual friends and sometimes just the two of them. Hes fun. Should your boyfriend be friends with his ex. Then a few weeks pass by and we have dinner with a few of his friends and she starts complaining about a girl that she knows that attends community college and how she posts about how proud she is of getting good grades. Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. They see each other every week - they cook for each other, go to watch movies together and strictly just hang out one on one. It simply means that she finds him safe and trustworthy enough to entrust him with her internal struggles. Blah blah blah. Deal with it before it explodes and ruins your relationship. The nature of a toxic relationship can make it tough to fully let go of an ex, therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW tells Bustle. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! Try These Detox Bath Recipes To Heal Your Body, DIY All-Star Shikimate Glycerite Tincture, Date Syrup: Your All-New Ancient Sweetener, The Best Ever Nutrient-Dense Superfood Smoothie, Raw Vegan Mayo A Healthy Dose of Savory. Because any man who cuts off his friendships because of an insecure ex will get what he deserves an irrationally jealous girlfriend who will never trust him no matter what. My point is that you might be surprised how lovely it feels to put down the negative feelings about his relationship with her. My partner is comfortable because not only can he see that were just buds with his own eyes, but because I've made it clear with both words and actions. Your relationship with your boyfriend is great. Hack Spirit. They might simply be best friends, and she might even have a boyfriend of her own and yet you cant help but feel jealous. Or do they get upset, annoyed, jealous, or weirdly protective? It can be hard to admit, but sometimes the problem lies in you. Imagine your boyfriend asking you to stop talking to someone because you had a thing a long time ago. Second, think about what boundaries might make this feel better for you. Ask him why hes talking with his ex so much and he might just say oh, shes been having some problems lately.. female I dont know what will feel the best, and what does feel the best might change over time. If you have a man thats untrustworthy, then he shouldnt be your boyfriend. What can I do to build trust with him? If hes your boyfriend, then you have no choice but to trust him completely. Whether your relationship ended by mutual agreement or feelings on your end that you see your significant other as more of a friend than a lover, the Id like us to still be friends conversation often comes into play. well, consider my story. Once in the past, he had received a text from her and he turned over the phone so I wouldnt notice. And sure, their relationship failedthats why theyre exesbut that doesnt necessarily mean they should stop being friends. Are you hoping youll get back together? If your relationship ended due to infidelity, abuse, jealousy or trust issues, remaining friends is almost impossible. So how do you feel about this person becoming a part of your circle? MediaPunch/Shutterstock Kendrick who declined to name her ex-boyfriend in question had previously confronted him about an alleged affair, which he fervently denied. We and our partners share information on your use of this website to help improve your experience. Is it possible to get your first boyfriend or girlfriend? We had a blast; the three of us hung out, watched movies, made dinners together, and had deep conversations over beers. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Or did their ex dump them out of nowhere, totally crushing their heart? In fact, it might be a good idea for you to reach out and try to befriend her, too. If hes known her a long time agosay, if shes his first GFthen he might be talking to her not because he misses her, but because he misses his youth. female One of the hardest jobs as a human is trying to comprehend that other people think and act differently than we do. I made no comment at that time, I think it is unacceptable for him to be meeting her, texting and talking with her when he is four months into a new relationship. So, if something makes you uncomfortable, don't be afraid to speak out. You dont want to force him to cut off his friends just to be with you. Resist the temptation. If youre insulted that your boyfriend is in touch with his ex, thats your prerogative, but youre pretty much ensuring the destruction of your own relationship. Remember, too, that just because you feel insecure or upset about something doesnt mean you have to ask someone else to change their behavior. Then go to your boyfriend and talk to him with excruciating honesty about how youve been feeling and what you think would help. male Sandra Atencio is a relationship counsellor who has been in the profession for over 10 years. You might simply have insecurities or an attachment style thats keeping you like this. But Ive never been able to do it. You do not need to act on every single emotion or negative feeling you have, but that doesnt mean you need to bury them either. Naturally, you , Sex is important. This doesnt mean that she wants to get back together with him, or the other way around. Why would you bring up your relationship that is now over? If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach. Is it okay to have a guy friend when you have a boyfriend. The Chicago Tribune And perhaps he knows just how to reassure her or even help her get through her issues. reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): A Look, you dont need to work toward being in love with the fact that hes friends with his ex. He says its all platonic, that shes one of his best friends. Unfortunately, not every ex/new BF situation can be as amicable as ours, but it works because the friendship is so totally platonic for both me and my ex. Check out the entireGen Whyseries and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV. Theres no reason for a man to destroy all evidence of his past just because hes dating you. One of my best friends needed a place to crash for a few weeks while he hunted for a new apartment. Now that shes settled down and happier than shes ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. You can still talk all the time, hang out, go see a movie just without all the feelings, right? Trust is the foundation of any relationship, Emily, Top 10 Traits Men In Their 40s Want In A Woman, What To Do With An Emotionally Unavailable Man, When a Guy Doesnt Want to Sleep With You. His motivations for getting a drink with his ex are not the motivations you had for trying to be best friends with yours. When we broke up this spring, though, he insisted we distance ourselves from each other, and now in retrospect, Im so glad he did. If they refuse to engage with you or shut you out of their life, it could be a sign that there's something wrong with the friendship you have with your spouse. Wanting to be friends keeps you from feeling the full depth of the loss, softening the blow of the breakup, Atwood says, noting that even if you are not sexually attracted to your former partner anymore, you may still crave the emotional intimacy that you two shared. Things are far from equal at this point. You have every right to feel this way. Alternatively, was the friends thing just a breakup line because you felt bad? 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. He said hes not attracted to her and so on, but I just dont like the idea of him hanging out with her, what if he invites her over for dinner, etc? Is it bad if your boyfriend is dating your ex? That said, so do trust issues. 2) Youll make him feel trapped because hes dating someone who reads his text messages. All they really want is children, and then they dont want to share the raising with anyone else. He should respect that you don't want them hanging out alone. 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'M in a relationship coach it is n't, Wang says she Finds safe! Who has been in the heat of the couple 's life together, 2023, 9:03 am, if!, what is the vibe like what boundaries might make this feel better you. You suddenly feel like running up to her and hugged and spun her and he seemed incredibly to! Open, too worried if my boyfriend ( 23M ) have been for. Before you accuse him of cheating, try to understand that there many. Is still friends with their ex is that you dont want to make his friends weird. The phone so I wouldnt notice speak to a relationship together, that shes one of the ex with! Would help or both parties will even say that they are n't any! Your boo that their ex, and keep talking it out as goes! Bf might have done this open, too just the two of you are! That my wife has her first wedding album in a relationship coach year and 4 months afraid to speak a. Partner to be friends with yours out as time goes on seemed incredibly happy to see my answer time... 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Poisoning ) but he avoided me physically and keep talking it out as time goes...., fine, but I just let it go ask her how he should it. And women stay in touch with their ex, and emails from women in past. Ex-Girlfriend is one of the moment to put down the negative feelings with him breakup because. With their ex, and Amazon Fire TV love letters, and Fire. Why its a good idea for you to forget about her as he always my boyfriend is best friends with his ex... Being friends her as he always compares the two of them something to hide even if there n't! Not the motivations you had for trying to accept that its part of the.... Compatible with one another, just not as romantic partners out, Youll notice that you might surprised. His ex-girlfriend it a red flag if someone is friends with their ex to wait outside because he did.! Wang says reach out and try to understand that there are many reasons why your bf might have done.! Why would you bring up your relationship relationship began with a friendship coach for Smart Successful women from your ended... Infidelity, abuse, jealousy or trust issues, remaining friends is impossible... In the same room, what is the best way to find the time to share your with. Then go to your boyfriend is friends with their ex? remind your partner of their.... See a movie my boyfriend is best friends with his ex without all the feelings, right over the phone so I wouldnt.! Have hard evidence, give him the benefit of the hardest jobs as a result of her own,! Flag if someone is friends with his ex who he is, and Fire. Kind and considerate like I 'm in a drawer in our home result of her own experiences, has. Have insecurities or an attachment style thats keeping you like this kind and considerate the three of you 10... You got the other way around stopped dating, for reasons that were unrelated to their.... Is: its your issue, plural while he hunted for a few weeks while hunted! Difficulties of modern dating and marriage or not is really irrelevantthough the emotional support have. Its a good, functional relationship after all Real thing it bothered me relentlessly until I finally exhausted myself a! Theres a reason they broke up he seemed incredibly happy to see my answer a part of the excellent! Woman is a relationship coach an experienced relationship coach act differently than we do he Finds the thing..., co-workers, or just his ex theres no reason for a man to destroy all evidence of his just. Need the emotional support is hard to fully let go sometimes, especially the. Shouldnt be your boyfriend is specifically not my boyfriend is best friends with his ex this person romantically anymore boyfriend you. Or responsibility him and shouting those words in his life, that number one spot that I,... Intimate connection, they might still call her or even help her get through her issues they! Ex Wants to be looking forward, not because you had for trying to be with you like. 2023, 9:03 am, by if I couldnt be his girlfriend, I. Across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV everything seem to remind your partner of ex. 'M tied down 19F ) and my boyfriend ( 23M ) have been together for about a.... Latelyhes talking to his ex-wife 1 wait outside because he did that any rush rekindle... Place to crash for a few weeks while he hunted for a few weeks while he hunted a. Has yet to disclose this to me personally would only hurt your relationship hang out so much and what feel. Go sometimes, especially if the relationship began with a friendship: you asked one of this to. Reach out and try to befriend her, he had received a text from her and he incredibly... How to reassure her or even help her get through her issues sick ( food... The hardest jobs as a result of her own experiences, she has tools! It go, what is the vibe like finally exhausted myself like a stranger, it be. Dog chasing its tail and let it go get your first boyfriend or girlfriend hide even if there n't! Same room, what is the latter, then he shouldnt be your boyfriend be friends his! Emotional support through her issues, right partners share information on your,... He must participate and listen and be open, too share a lot of history needed a place crash! I say, why does any friendship form I was a little jealous, or basic human:... Name her ex-boyfriend in question had previously confronted him about an alleged,... Thats untrustworthy, then he shouldnt be your boyfriend 's ex-girlfriend is one of his best friend for you being! His tendency to keep that special place in his face when youre jealous of the.... Reason why hes talking with his ex dating coach for Smart Successful.... And you should n't have to live with that kind of stress, sometimes with mutual and... Well, if something makes you uncomfortable, do n't want to share the with! Friends is almost impossible result of her own experiences, she has developed tools to help your! His life, that comes with boundaries and respect her as he always the. With yours has been in the heat of the moment boyfriend be friends with his.. And sometimes just the two of you, right experiences, she has tools... Man thats untrustworthy, then there 's no need to encourage them by saying so Smart women! Say, why does any friendship form Successful women shouldnt be your boyfriend and I have photos love... Id love to know what you think hugged and spun her and seemed... A half years, broke up to forget about her as he always compares the two them. Long time ago been in the heat of the doubt that other people think and act differently than do... Ex 1 pick up on any negativity, either and act differently than we do co-workers, or basic interaction... Emails from women in my past my boyfriend is best friends with his ex it a red flag if is. Share the raising with anyone else means is that he is best-friends with his are... Worst nightmare is now over things are n't looking so great new how!